answered prayers

After our first round of IVF didn't work, we were ready to jump right back in with a FET. I knew deep down that it wasn't a great time, because work is really stressful and busy during this time of year, but I didn't care because I didn't want to sit around for four months not doing anything and my desire was/is greater than ever to do whatever is possible to have a family. I told my doctor that we were ready to move forward with the FET and was under the impression that we could get started right away. All the while I would pray that if it wasn't in Gods plan for us to do this right now to show me a sign. 

My first sign came a week after I had told the clinic to make my FET schedule. Like I said I was under the impression that it would take no time at all and within three weeks, we would be doing the transfer. So when I hadn't received my calendar, I emailed the nurse to see what the deal was. That's when I was informed that it could take up to two weeks to create and get a calendar approved. I was a little frustrated, but there was nothing I could do about it. When I finally did get my calendar, I realized that what I thought would take no time at all was going to end up spanning over a month and a half which put me at the busiest time of the year at work. Wanting it so bad, I decided to just go ahead and do it.

The next sign was when I called pharmacy to get my prescription filled. They informed me that they didn't have any Lupron available because their was a manufacturer shortage and they weren't sure when they would receive any. I was beyond devastated, but once I called my husband and cried to him and got it all out of my system I started thinking. All along my prayer had been for God to give me a sign if this was the right time. And it wasn't, so He did. 

It was a hard thing for me to not call every pharmacy I could think of to see if I could get my hands on some Lupron because that is what I so selfishly wanted to do. But I trust 100% in Gods greater plan and I am so thankful that He loves me enough to not only hear my prayers, but answer them. I have realized that His answer might not always be what I want, but it will always come from a place of love and it'll always 100% of the time be the right thing. I have such a peace knowing that He hears my prayers and I have faith In His plan and truly believe that one day He will answer our prayers and bless us with a baby. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

He has it under control!

"I AM ABLE to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life."

WOW! Talk about being exactly what I needed to hear/read. This was from my Jesus Calling desk calendar yesterday. Talk about being on point. I know that God has a plan for my life and I know that His timing is perfect, but it is so easy to get caught up in it all and to feel so helpless and to forget that HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. My goal this year is to stop focusing on me and focus on Him. He can do far greater things than I could ever imagine! 

So I decided the other day that I wanted to try acupuncture. I really wanted to do it before my transfer, but then I realized that I had probably waited too long to really get any benefit from it for the first round, but I decided that I had nothing to lose (except a couple hundred dollars) by giving it a try. So I went to my first appointment yesterday and it was awesome. First off, the lady was super nice and so caring. As soon as we sat down to talk, she started asking me questions and I just burst into tears. She seemed so genuinely concerned and going into it, I felt fine, but apparently I really needed to let it out. Once we got started, she basically told me that I was holding onto stress. I had two needles in each foot, two in each hand and one needle behind each ear near the base of my neck. I was told to lay there for 30 minutes, relax and think of things that made me happy. That was a little difficult because the place behind my left ear was throbbing like crazy, but not in a this needle hurts kind of way, but a man something is working kind of way. I went ahead and paid for 4 sessions because you got a discount that way, so I am eager to keep going back and see my progress. 

The acupuncturist did tell me that she would really like to see me once a week for 3 full months with me before my next transfer, but that the decision was completely up to me. She also told me that because of my job (I'm a tax accountant for a public firm) that she would not suggest trying to do a transfer until April when my busy season was over. I totally get this, but gah it is so hard to wait. I am so conflicted because on the one hand, I don't want to wait, but on the other hand, if I went ahead and did the FET in the next month or two, while things were hectic at work and I was stressed and then it didn't work, I would feel so guilty and upset that I didn't just wait the couple of months. My husband is of the mind set that we should just keep going, he said we could do it all the way through my busy season if we needed, but the thing he is forgetting is that all of this cost money, like a lot of money. And while you can not put a price on something you so desperately want, you also have to be realistic about what you can handle.

I have an appointment with my fertility doctor tomorrow to see where we go from here. I am sure that he is going to want me to take a month off, to get my body back to normal, which I don't completely disagree with. I'm hoping that after the appointment tomorrow, I will know exactly what I should do. In a way it would kind of be nice to take a couple of months where we could just try naturally. My mind is just so conflicted right now as to what I should do, I hope that it becomes very apparent in the next couple of days and I can be at peace with whatever decision I make. 

And just like that... it was over.

Man I'm not a good blogger. Ha. I think part of it is that I feel like virtually no one is reading this, so I feel a little silly writing to myself, but whatever. So much has happened since my last post. I obviously had my embryo transfer, two perfect blastocysts and the last transfer of the year at my doctor's office. I thought surely that would mean it was extra lucky, and it was, for a short time.

The transfer went smoothly, and I was able to stay fairly relaxed and not constantly symptom check during my TWW. I wish all TWW's could be during the holidays, it makes things fly, and with being so busy, you hardly even have time to wonder what is going on in there. I didn't really have any symptoms that screamed "You're Pregnant", but there towards the end I was feeling tired a lot. I took a pregnancy test on Christmas morning 8dp5dt, which I had been telling myself I wouldn't because if it was negative I didn't want it to ruin my day, but I did it anyway, because hello, what an awesome Christmas gift that would be. So I took it, and after the three minutes, there was no line, so I threw it under the sink and went back to bed. After a few minutes, I told my husband and then I cried and he held me telling me it would be okay. I went on with my day and I prayed that it was just too early. Later that evening, I decided to go back and look at the test again and lo and behold there was a second line. It was super faint, but I have looked at many many negative pregnancy tests, and this was not one! I took it to the hubby and asked if he saw the line and he said he did, so I knew I wasn't completely crazy. I waited a day to take another one, and when I did, it was darker than two days before. I was so excited, but also felt like at 10dp5dt the line should be darker than that, although I am basing that on basically nothing except why wouldn't it be really dark? My beta was scheduled for 14dp5dt but my husband was leaving to go out of town that day, so I got it pushed back a day so he could be home when we got the official news. So I went and got the beta done and two hours later the results were in. We were pregnant! My beta at 13dp5dt was 79. Again, I was basing this on nothing except what I have read on the internet about other peoples betas, but I felt like mine was low. I scoured the internet for hours looking for hope, and while it was definitely possible, I was cautiously optimistic. First off, none of it seemed real, I was finally pregnant! After many years of trying, I was a lucky one that got pregnant on the first IVF cycle. I talked to the nurse and all she would really say was that they wanted me to come back on Friday for my second beta to make sure it was doubling. So I did that Friday morning, and finally at 4:15 I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse to see if my results were in. I left a message saying that I was hoping not to have to wait through the weekend to find out and about five minutes later the secretary called me and let me know that my hcg levels were going down...... Worst day of my life. I was certainly irritated that the office hadn't even called with my results and I had to call them and then the secretary called, so she couldn't even answer any of the million questions running through my mind. It was just so nonchalant, while my world came crashing down. My husband was out of town for work, so I called him and as soon as he answered, I burst into tears. He let me know that he was going to call his boss and get home as soon as he could.

So that's where we are at. I was pregnant one day and just like that, it was over. I never though I could and would have to go through something like this, but here I am right in the middle of it. My heart is broken and I'm not sure where to go from here. We have two frozen embryos that I would love to transfer ASAP, but there are so many whatif's running through my mind. What if they don't survive the thaw, what if i miscarry again, what if it doesn't work at all? I am obviously not going to let those things stop me from pursuing this, but I don't know if I can take the heartache again.

I have so many questions that are unanswered, I don't even know where to begin. If anyone has any advise on the things I definitely need to ask my doctor, let me know, I could use all the help I can get.

Thanks to those who have checked on me, I appreciate it more than you know. It is going to take time, but I will make it.