And just like that... it was over.

Man I'm not a good blogger. Ha. I think part of it is that I feel like virtually no one is reading this, so I feel a little silly writing to myself, but whatever. So much has happened since my last post. I obviously had my embryo transfer, two perfect blastocysts and the last transfer of the year at my doctor's office. I thought surely that would mean it was extra lucky, and it was, for a short time.

The transfer went smoothly, and I was able to stay fairly relaxed and not constantly symptom check during my TWW. I wish all TWW's could be during the holidays, it makes things fly, and with being so busy, you hardly even have time to wonder what is going on in there. I didn't really have any symptoms that screamed "You're Pregnant", but there towards the end I was feeling tired a lot. I took a pregnancy test on Christmas morning 8dp5dt, which I had been telling myself I wouldn't because if it was negative I didn't want it to ruin my day, but I did it anyway, because hello, what an awesome Christmas gift that would be. So I took it, and after the three minutes, there was no line, so I threw it under the sink and went back to bed. After a few minutes, I told my husband and then I cried and he held me telling me it would be okay. I went on with my day and I prayed that it was just too early. Later that evening, I decided to go back and look at the test again and lo and behold there was a second line. It was super faint, but I have looked at many many negative pregnancy tests, and this was not one! I took it to the hubby and asked if he saw the line and he said he did, so I knew I wasn't completely crazy. I waited a day to take another one, and when I did, it was darker than two days before. I was so excited, but also felt like at 10dp5dt the line should be darker than that, although I am basing that on basically nothing except why wouldn't it be really dark? My beta was scheduled for 14dp5dt but my husband was leaving to go out of town that day, so I got it pushed back a day so he could be home when we got the official news. So I went and got the beta done and two hours later the results were in. We were pregnant! My beta at 13dp5dt was 79. Again, I was basing this on nothing except what I have read on the internet about other peoples betas, but I felt like mine was low. I scoured the internet for hours looking for hope, and while it was definitely possible, I was cautiously optimistic. First off, none of it seemed real, I was finally pregnant! After many years of trying, I was a lucky one that got pregnant on the first IVF cycle. I talked to the nurse and all she would really say was that they wanted me to come back on Friday for my second beta to make sure it was doubling. So I did that Friday morning, and finally at 4:15 I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse to see if my results were in. I left a message saying that I was hoping not to have to wait through the weekend to find out and about five minutes later the secretary called me and let me know that my hcg levels were going down...... Worst day of my life. I was certainly irritated that the office hadn't even called with my results and I had to call them and then the secretary called, so she couldn't even answer any of the million questions running through my mind. It was just so nonchalant, while my world came crashing down. My husband was out of town for work, so I called him and as soon as he answered, I burst into tears. He let me know that he was going to call his boss and get home as soon as he could.

So that's where we are at. I was pregnant one day and just like that, it was over. I never though I could and would have to go through something like this, but here I am right in the middle of it. My heart is broken and I'm not sure where to go from here. We have two frozen embryos that I would love to transfer ASAP, but there are so many whatif's running through my mind. What if they don't survive the thaw, what if i miscarry again, what if it doesn't work at all? I am obviously not going to let those things stop me from pursuing this, but I don't know if I can take the heartache again.

I have so many questions that are unanswered, I don't even know where to begin. If anyone has any advise on the things I definitely need to ask my doctor, let me know, I could use all the help I can get.

Thanks to those who have checked on me, I appreciate it more than you know. It is going to take time, but I will make it.